


Guns & Ships & Lays Potato Chips!

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Crack Fic, Cussing, Forgive my sins, Hamilsquad, Lams - Freeform, M/M, jeffersquad, jeffmads - Freeform, lagbtq, mullette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 02:12:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11303604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The HamilSquad and JefferSquad get into a minor dispute...and the only way to logically settle it is to have a Tent War with guns and ships.Now it's up to Lafayette to stop chaos from erupting, and he has the perfect weapon...*Yes. A crackfic.





	1. One, Two, Three, Four, I Declare a Tent War

"HA! I won again! IN YOUR FACE, BITCHES!" Alex screeched, holding his hands up in victory.

"THAT'S NOT EVEN FUCKING FAIR!" Thomas said, flipping the board game.

"Hey—" Laurens complained.

"Er, Tommy? Maybe we should just...all clam down..." Madison suggested.

Thomas huffed and crossed his arms. "I know, but Jemmy James! It's so unfair! This bastard always wins!"

Alex smirked, pulling his boyfriend—Laurens—closer into a cuddle.

Lafayette sighed. This always happened. Both the HamilSquad and JefferSquad would try to argue and brag on who could win the next board game, and it always ended up with cursing and arguing back and fourth. Hell, even the meetings that were supposed to be peaceful usually ended up with some dispute.

Burr grunted with frustration. "Can we please just have a relaxing day without trying to rip each other's throats out?"

"Sounds like a plan," Laurens muttered.

"Tell that to King Asshole!" Alex shouted, gesturing to Thomas, who got up red-faced. "That's it, Maddie, I'm going to punch this bitch so hard, he—"

"BRING IT!" Alex said. Laurens held his boyfriend back. "As much as I would love to see you kick Jefferson's ass, I don't think that's a good idea, Lexi."

"He started it," grumbled Alex.

Lafayette held up his hands like _Time out!_ "Mon ami, guys! We can work something out! I mean, if Mulligan was here, he'd agree with me—"

"But he's not!" Thomas spoke up. "Understandably, that is. I mean, I'd want to leave you guys too."

It made Laf upset that Mulligan's disappearance was reminded of. He had work to do for Mr. Washington, and now Laf was stuck with these morons.

"Shut it, Jefferson!" Alex said. "I'm sure your _bestie_ would like to leave you—"

Madison tried to protest, but ended up coughing too hard to even begin.

"AWW MADDIE!" Thomas said, hugging his friend. "Are you okay??"

"SO damn sappy," Laurens muttered, still holding onto Alex.

"Yeah, that's right, karma is now attacking you bitches with the flue." Alex said, which caused Lafayette to want to scream. Could these guys just stop snapping back?

Burr rolled his eyes while Thomas stood up, yelling: "THAT'S IT! I DRAW THE LINE! I DECLARE...A TENT WAR!"

 _Uh-oh..._ Lafayette thought. The "tent wars" were something we all made up, where there were two teams, both with the same number of players. The teams received fake guns and could make a ship out of pillows, hence tent. They had to "attack" each other and win, claiming bragging rights. They usually ended very viciously.

"You're on!" Alex said, and so the beginning of that crazy night began.


	2. The (Four?) Tent War Commandments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We here the rules of their lil game

"Alright, you all know the rules," Burr grumbled as he stood in the middle of the HamilSquad and JefferSquad. He looked even more half-hearted than Lafayette.

"Go over them again anyways," Alex said, bouncing with excitement. Lafayette caught a glimpse at Laurens smiling and blushing at his boyfriend.

Burr sighed. "Fine, whatever—"

"RULE NUMBER ONE!" Alex said, pushing over Burr, stealing the spotlight, which Laf found uncalled for.

"What the hell—"

"First, there MUST be the same amount of player on each team. I have Laurens and Lafayette, of course. Thomas, feel free to name your people." Laf held his breath. He didn't necessarily want to do this, but what about the squad? Loyalty was everything...

"I was going to do that anyways!" Thomas snapped, before realizing how immature he sounded. "I have _Maddie_ ," he said, stretching out his name with delight. "And...you know, Burr."

Burr rolled his eyes, picking himself off the ground from where Alex had pushed him. "Yeah, whatever. And, for the record—"

"NUMBER TWO!" Alex yelled more loudly. "Each team has exactly fifteen minutes to gather supplies—such as guns, food, or—"

"Turtles!" Laurens shouted.

"Yes, that too," Alex said, smiling at Laurens, who blushed with satisfaction. "Also, prepare your ships! Pack what's necessary. _Not_ hairspray." He glared in Thomas's direction.

"Fuck you," he muttered.

"NUMBER THREE!" He gestured to Laurens to state it.

"We will have three chances to steal guns and terrorize each other, but the final battle is AFTER supper. Remember, there's only one winner, who'll get bragging rights, and the opportunity to make the other team feel like shit." He smiled. "That's it, I think—"

"If you die, you must stay out of the game and hide under sink, like it is stated on page fifty." Thomas grinned.

Yeah, Lafayette remembered. When they had made the game, Alex decided they should have a written set of laws and requirements, and the full set of documents were about 250 pages long, and he somehow managed to write them all in one week.

"READY, SET, GO!" Alex shouted, and Laf cursed under his breath, praying that maybe this time would be different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BE PREPARED FOR MORE SOON!!! :D
> 
> Forgive me Lin


	3. I Can Do Anything Better Than You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fixing their ships for the tent war :3 No, not like relationships, actual ships.  
> Duh.
> 
> Also more arguing heh

The HamilSquad quickly gathered their to-go weapons and started setting up their camp site and ship. Lafayette usually got placed on ship-making duty (not the fandom kind, though he did that too) since he was the only one with a vast understanding of them. Even though it was obviously a fake ship, they took it rather seriously.

Laf must've been distracted, because Laurens frowned after setting two more guns on a nearby table. "Er, what's that?" He gestured to the pile of blankets he had yet to fix.

"Part of the ship..." Laf gave him a confusing look.

Laurens shook his head. "No, dude, we need to step up our game! Look at the JefferSquad's ship! It looks _way_ better than ours, those bastards!"

Alex cut in, dropping three more guns and a map on the table. "C'mon, our ship is WAY better than theirs! So _what_ they have velvet sofas and vintage wine—I mean, look at them!" He gestured to Madison and Thomas, both who somehow got stuck in a silky blanket.

"JEMMY JAMES!" Thomas yelped. "I CAN'T SEE MY HAIR! I CAN'T—Oh, heh, there it is..." They staggered around until they managed to break away from the hold of the blanket, Burr shaking his head in disappointment in the distance.

Laurens wrapped an arm around his boyfriend's waist. "I know it only matters that we win, but I'd still like us to win in style." He turned towards Lafayette. "Remember that one time they one just because the sparkles from Jefferson's pink vest blinded us?"

Alex winced. "Don't remind me."

Laurens nodded. "You don't want that to happen again, do ya?"

Laf nodded. "I'll continue to work, then..."

As Alex and Laurens continued to gather supplies and set up camp, Laf unknowingly sneaked away, thinking about the mess he was in. he couldn't let another fight break out between the two rival teams! But how can he still remain loyal while making the battles stop in secret...

He snapped his fingers. Burr was the only other person not excited about this war, and Laf was willing to take a bet that he'd be into putting a stop to it. And he knew how to get him on his side.

He sneaked towards Alex's notebook, grabbing a piece of paper, writing a quick but detailed note. Then he sent it into the JefferSquad's mailbox, also mentioned in the 250 pages of the Tent War document. Now all he had to do was wait...

While he did, many (minor) disputes came across the HamilSquad.

"AT LEAST WE DON'T LOOK CHEAP!"

"YOUR MAMA'S CHEAP!"

"HOW DARE YOU??"

"Alex, why are we talking about his mother—"

"HE STARTED IT, LAURI!"

"ANYTHING YOU MOTHERFUCKERS CAN DO, MADDIE AND I CAN DO BETTER!"

"What about me?"

"You don't even count, Burr."

"WE CAN DO ANYTHINGBETTER THAN YOU!" 

  "PROVE IT, BITCH!"

"OKAY, JEFFERASS!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, ALEX!!"

"OVER MY DEAD BODY!"

"SHUT IT, JOHN!"

Laf sighed, but caught a glimpse of Burr looking at his note. He eyes him suspiciously, but nodded. Now the negotiation begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao ik this is weird
> 
> don't look at me like I'm crazy
> 
> XD
> 
> Sorry for a lot of cursing, I can't help it, it comes naturally to me. And so does sarcasm


	4. We're About To Go To War, Sir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SECRET LAIR TIME!! AND PLANS!! And FIGHTING!!!

"What the hell is this place..." Burr asked as he followed Lafayette into the cave-like room.

Laf smiled, remembering the memories. "This is me and Mulligan's secret lair. No one else knows about it. Er, except you, now, I guess." Lad gestured to a chair. "Have a seat, mon ami!"

Burr grumbled, glaring at Laf suspiciously before sitting down. "So...where are those chips you promised?"

Laf grinned and pulled out an empty bag of Lays potato chips. Burr banged his fist on the table with exasperation. "Damn it! I knew this was a set-up!"

Laf shook his head. "I simply knew you wouldn't trust me. Look, we both know that this squad thing is getting outta hand."

"Pfft, _now_ you tell me." Burr sat his chin down on his arms, still glaring.

"Can we both agree we need to stop this fighting before someone actually gets hurt?"

Burr looked more genuinely concerned. "Well, yeah, but...Those damn idiots wont listen to us."

I smiled. "Maybe. That's why we need to trick them. Hear me out...We're going to make a plan, okay? Before these battles get out of hand—and definitely before the final battle—we need to stop them—"

"We?"

"Uh-huh. C'mon, Aaron! I can't do this alone! Please?" Laf begged, giving him his signature puppy-dog eyes that usually worked on Mulligan.

Burr sighed. "What's the plan?"

Laf grinned. "It's all set up. Now we just have to follow it."

-

Let's just say things didn't go as planned.

By the time Lafayette and Burr got back to their teams, talk of early battles had already started. _Uh-oh...There's no way we can stop an early dispute like this! So much for trying to prevent things from starting...._

Laf tried his best to calm down Alex, but it was no use. He kept chugging caffeine and yelling death threats, like "I'm going to take my panda pet and shove it down your throat," and stuff with graphic content involving pandas, rainbows, and unicorns. Yep, that was a bad sign Alex had been drinking too much coffee (thank goodness the 250 document of the Tent Wars banned alcohol).

Laurens didn't even try to restrain his boyfriend. He kept shouting: "He'll do it, trust me! The guy's insane!" and "DON'T MESS WITH MY BOYFRIEND OR HE'LL FUCK YOU AND YOUR HAIR UP!" (The last one was directed to Thomas, obviously, for he cared a little too much about his hair.)

Thomas whined in frustration. "Maddie! Can I please kill them?"

"Yes, but not now. We have to take your calm-y medicine, remember?"

"But Maddie, it tastes terrible."

"I know, I know, but maybe afterwards I can give you something that tastes good, like a smoothie or—"

"Heh or maybe your sweet lips—"

"GUYS WE CAN HEAR YOU!!"

"I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"

After _that_ was over, a series of chaotic events came and went. Alex insulted Maddie, so Jefferson slapped very hard, so much it left a red mark on his face. Laurens was about to get all South Carolina on the man, but Laf held him back, pleading at Burr to make a move. However, he stood away, too shocked to say anything. Then Alex kicked Jefferson in the shins as a result, and he fell on his back, groaning loudly. Alex was going to slap him back whenever Madison pulled his unconscious boyfriend away.

Then they kept stealing each other's guns, the winner varying back and fourth as they return and stole each other's weapons. Laf couldn't even keep track of how many guns were exchanged, but there was a lot. He tried to take both team's guns and hide them, but Laurens eventually found all of the ones previously hidden, so he gave up on that.

The plan still didn't work, so the chaos continued: Madison, in revenge, tried to stab Alex with something that looked like a unicorn horn (??), but Laf managed to trip him before anything could happen.

"DAMN! So close to killing that bitch!" Jefferson had shouted. He then, to avenge Madison's fail, knocked out Alex with some book he found. Laurens was so pissed he challenged Madison to a gun duel.

Laf panicked, trying to think of a way out of seeing either Alex or Madison die (in the game, that is) and having to stay in the dark, tight-spaced sink they had to go in if killed.

Sadly, it was too late. The duel had to happen. Once the other accepted, there was no stoppingit, for that was _another_ rule of the Tent War. Seriously, the squad had no damn mercy it seemed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still not the weirdest thing I've ever written
> 
> Btw the unicorn horn belongs to Antonio the unicorn, aka Thomas's pet 
> 
> (Ok not but for real it was supposed to be canon in these fics,, don't take it seriously tho)


	5. The Battle of Shiptown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again, actual ships, not...fandom ships
> 
> WEIRDNESS!! POTATO CHIPS!! AND--
> 
> HERCULES MULLIGAN!!!!!!!!!!!

"THE CHALLENGE: DEMAND SATISFACTION! IF THEY APOLOGIZE—"

"Babe?" Alex asked.

"Yeah, dear?"

"We're not doing that."

"Oh."

Both squads were getting ready for what was agreed to be the real, real battle, the one that determined who won or lost the Tent War. After someone died in the duel, the rest of the people had to fight it out.

Laf paced, trying to think of what to do, but it was hard with Laurens and Alex's shouting, and of course the JefferSquad in general:

"Jemmy James, please don't die."

"I'll try not to, Tommy."

"Okay...Maddie, I just want to say that I really, really, really, really, _really_ —"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Burr yelled in sudden rage. "YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN SWEET-TALKING EACH OTHER FOR THE PAST DAMN HOUR JUST KISS ALREADY AND STOP BEFORE I DIE DUE TO BLOOD LOSS DUE TO MY EARS BLEEDING TOO MUCH FROM YOUR SAPPY SHIT! I'M GONNA END UP IN A FUCKING COMA—"

"Damn, fine." Jefferson gave Madison a quick kiss on the lips, both blushing furiously.

Laf tried to signal to Burr, but he shrugged hopelessly. Laf frowned. _Great, now someone really_ is _gonna die..._

Both men stood back-to-back, guns ready. Jefferson was sobbing and Alex shouted: "YOU'VE GOT THIS BABE! JUST IMAGINE IT'S YOUR NO-GOOD DEADBEAT DAD."

Laf bit his nails as Burr failed to do his part of the plan. _Oh no, oh no, oh no...If only Mulligan was here._

_Mulligan..._

Burr counted: "One, two, three, four..."

Lafayette had a crazy, stupid, very _bold_ plan. He raced into the kitchen near the JefferSquad's ship, opened the cabinet, and pulled out he and Mulligan's signature snack: Lays potato chips. _This might just distract everyone...for now, at least...._

"FOR FRANCE!" He shrieked, throwing the chips up in the air, the bag now opened, spilling chips _everywhere_. Burr was about to say "nine," but stopped as chips smacked him in the face.

"What the fuck—" Alex began.

"DAMN IT'S IN MY HAIR!!! MADDIE, HELP ME, BABY!!!" Jefferson yelled.

As everyone freaked out amongst their selves, a familiar voice asked: "What he fuck did I just walk into?"

Laf grinned and jumped with joy. "MULLY!" He hugged his friend.

"Yeah, don't call me Mully."

"Sure thing, HUNKules." Lafayette leaned down and gave him a quick kiss before shouting: "HELP ME STOP THESE IDIOTS FROM HURTING THEIRSELVES!"

Mulligan nodded. "On it. Code Chocolate 532."

Lafayette gasped. "It's never been done before!"

Mulligan smirked. "Let's change that."

-

They entered their secret lair.

Laf searched inside the Secret Box X, but there wasn't anything.

"Here," Mulligan said, tossing him the Snickers Gun. "It's time."

Laf nodded, and they both took charge yelling " HAVE A SNICKERS! YOU'RE NOT YOU WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY!"

Burr, with a slight (read: major) concussion clumsily walked towards the pair. "Is that the...Snicker Gun you were...talking about..." He collapsed, singing "My Little Pony" under his breath.

"You told them about the Snicker Gun!?"

"I'm sorry, hon, I was desperate!"

Mulligan huffed. "Okay, okay, doesn't matter, we should just blast them before Alex—"

"Yeah, I showed Burr the lair too—"

"YOU—WHAT—"

"JUST SHOOT!"

What happened next: Explosion of Snickers...all went black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry ;-;


	6. So...What'd I Miss?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the ending and shit

All woke up in a pile of blankets and chips, feeling as if they all had a little too much to drink.

Laf woke up after hearing Thomas freaking out. His head pounded. _What the hell just—_

"Maddie? What happened? Why are our legs tangled together—"

Laf slapped Alex awake. "What the FUCK was THAT dude!?" He said.

Laf grinned. "Look at yourself."

"H-Huh?" He looked at the spooning position he and Laurens were in and blushed. "Um—"

"Lexi, I'm tired, and—WHAT THE HELL!?" Laurens saw the chips on the floor, everyone half-awake...then at Alex. "Oh, er, um..."

"I—I don't—"

"The gun made you guys kind of dizzy, and you all blacked out. As for the positions...I don't know, guess you guys like to cuddle with each other when you're full of giddiness—" Mulligan was interrupted by Thomas's complaints.

"WHY DID THAT HAPPEN LIKE WE WERE GOING TO OWN IT—"

"It was for your own good."

"Hey, who won?" Alex asked.

Thomas turned to him, legs still entangled with Madison. "NONE OF US AND THAT'S SO UNFAIR LIKE I WAS GOING TO KICK ALL OF YOUR ASSES!" He began to sob in Madison's arms.

"It's okay, Jeffykinz, we'll have another shot."

"AND I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT~" Alex began.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" Burr yelled.

Laf grinned at Mulligan. "Next time, Mulligan, please just stay."

"Deal."

And then they went to their normal routine, being salty as fuck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still not the weirdest thing I've ever written
> 
> Have a good day XD


End file.
